As I write this, the Mauna Loa volcano is erupting on Hawaii island. There has not been an eruption on this part of the island since March, 1984. Its a grand display of raw power and presence that is thrilling to me. I am writing from my home in Southern Arizona where I am recovering from Long Covid, a chronically debilitating condition that keeps me from independent living and travel, even driving. I’m about to get my 9 month chip for long haulers Covid. Insert laughter here. If only it was funny and not deeply maddening. If only my body would do what I want it to. FUCK. There….its building: the deep resentment for my body and for my circumstances. Pressure that rises and subsides over and over, until it surfaces and…..erupts. Pouring out with exasperation tears or steamy rage at the origins of this disease and globalist agendas or pouring out with funny perspectives and comedy to cope. That’s me: a living breathing volcano of Leo fire.
I have a unique relationship with the Volcano and the goddess, Pele, as well as other key deities on the Island chain, preserved in the stories of native cultures. The full connection that I have with these beings, or with Pele herself, I don’t even understand, but at the least, she seems to mirror aspects of myself and many others. I’m sure anyone can find meaning in anything that they need to in order to process their life (that is what is cool about life) BUT with that said, I have parallels and experiences I’m watching that really speak to me.
I’ve been having deep dreams during these past few weeks preceding the eruption. Too many to process and too many to tell. They started when I announced to myself 3 weeks ago that I was healed enough to go out into a public setting and meet friends. We planned a weekend getaway in the Phoenix area. I had girlfriend time, went to the Honey Bee Festival, had outdoor play time and felt like a human. The shift began at that moment, and a tidal wave of opportunity started coming my way as if I am a human magnet. It has been overwhelming to say the least. I announced to the Universe, I AM HEALED (which I am not yet technically, but is important to me to just draw the line and celebrate it in order to call it into being further.)
The pressure of the inner announcement meeting the outer opportunity to engage with the world in a new way, created an eruption. It was slow at first, the dreams bringing up things to process, then more external healing processes began. 7 Advanced Healers reaching out to me, basically offering deep healing support. None of them know each other. None of them knew the significance of the timing. Thank you Mrs.Ellensburg, Mr. Arizona, Ms.Hawaii, Mrs.Washington, Mr. T, Mr. Durango, and Ms. Santa Fe…You came to me and offered. I accepted and we co-created a trigger for my eruption.
What was deep down inside me? Trauma and Coping Patterns. Same old shit that everyone has, just that its MY shit and it finally came out. The childhood trauma of being an empathic healer and seer in a family of 3D crystalized consciousness humans. That is my trauma. They are cool, but they are crystalized AF. Not going to awaken, not going to ascend, not going to see, nope. And what does that do to a child who is tormented by earth bound spirits talking to her or asking for help, trying to deal with unwanted astral travelers, nightly sleep paralyzed by dense entities, and plagued by one repeating nightmare regularly, which was the overview of my soul experience put into a dream? What does it do? Repeatedly until age 15, I only experienced one nightmare and it was the only thing I ever saw at night, the same dream, one that I will document in a future blog. What does it do to a young girl when her parents cannot see her or validate any of her experience? It traumatizes her and she copes by escaping reality and creating a parallel life. She has two lives running at all times. Her reality, and the reality she creates to survive. A coping split.
It is in my true reality that I have met many of you. Seekers looking for Spirit messages, those with a need for healing suppprt or insight from a higher perspective, etc. Its mystical and beautiful and REAL. It’s lifegiving and a joy. Thank you, but I have an eruption about to happen because some undealt with stuff is about to explode.
In my parallel reality where I cope, I would try to be as human as possible and merge with my parent’s and older sister’s reality or others who carry similar conservative Billy Graham style Christian, Montana country folk, US patriot people views. I would tout my more acceptable achievements around financial successes or purchases. I would share about interesting science or cultural events but not share what my reality was. I would never say, “I have prophetic dreams, I hear guidance voices audibly, I do magic, I am a bee priestess, I talk to the earth, animals, deceased loved ones, and angels. I see the future and the past. Conversations with off-world beings and other dimensional beings is a common practice for me. I go through spiritual and psychic attacks on the regular and I engage in a type of warfare AT ALL TIMES. My shields can’t go down or I will be harmed. AND GUESS WHAT? Because it is ingrained to let family into your life, I subtly sabotage myself by letting you in. You have entitiy attachments all over you. Your bodies can be portals for dark energy to attack me. Your rejection consciousness is so strong it can make me ill after a few hours with you. I am an empath. A sponge. My shields don’t know how to stay up with you and its a liability. Your beliefs about reality are so limited that its a poison to me. Your 3D fixed CONSCIOUSNESS is a kryptonite to my shields. So I stay away. I don’t connect with you. I quit holidays and gatherings and I spend all my time recovering from simple interactions.”.
Opps, THERE, I said it.
Here it comes:
The trauma that I have been rejected for who I am since Day 1 on earth.
They could say they accept me, but it would be a lie.
They can only accept what they think I should be or could be, not what I am.
I am an oracle, an intuitive channel, a seer, a voice for Spirit.
But as long as I am in my split, in my trauma, and rejection of myself, they will mirror that.
BE CLEAR ON THIS: I am not a victim.
I am a being who needs to accept herself fully and step out of the split. It is MY work to heal this childhood coping mechanism pattern. So, here I am, accepting myself. Writing publically about it. One step closer to acceptance. Merging the worlds. Releasing the trauma. Erupting. I AM A MEDIUM, ya know, the thing the Bible condemns. I’m THAT. I laugh even now, thinking maybe I’m more of a Large or EXTRA LARGE, but you get it.
Immediately following the Mauna Loa eruption, I dreamt I jumped into the perspective of a bloodthirsty killer. I was hunting humans and killing them one by one. They would run from me, but I would always find them. They would walk straight into my traps. The dream let me go from perspective of innocent naïve person drilling into the trap of the killer who is genocidal on a mass level, and then letting me see from the perspective of the killer who would find such a relief in ridding the world of these people. I woke up and I knew that I had hit a pinnacle moment where I was embodying both murderer and murdered. Both Perpetrator and Victim archetypes being recognized in my subconscious. What was this showing me about myself? I knew that my dream had shown me my shadow side in some form that was accessing a key truth. I woke up and immediately went into meditation to process the dream. Getting into the meditation zone, I saw a wormhole with 2 guides standing in it. It was Yeshua and Mary Magdalene, two of my common helpers. They asked, “Where do you want to go?"
I told them that I wanted to go to the source of my trauma. I wondered if it would be some sort of horrible attack that I had hidden in my subconcious mind. They told me that we would go to view the scene. We flew through time to a nighttime scene. I have been dreaming and enduring some sort of a spiritual attack during the dream state as a four year old girl. It was Spring 1984. I crawled out of bed, and went into the living room looking for help. But no help us to be found because my parents could never see what was happening and they said it was just me being a child. This time I was met by a bright glowing being. They asked me if I wanted to be helped and I said yes. They offered me two things. The first was to be able to escape from the reality into a split parallel reality. The second was a healing gift that would be embedded in me that would numb the pain of energies around me. And whatever plane they would exist on, they could find levels of healing by coming into my space and being relieved of it. It was not a true innate healing gift but a temporary numbing agent. I had noticed many people experienced this around me over the years. In fact some have even become addicted to it over the past few years and want to constantly be around me because the pain would be relieved. Yeshua and Mary asked me if I was ready to heal the trauma memory. I told them, “yes” and then they told me that I needed to step into that moment and stop all permission for those "Gifts" to stay in my life. I looked at the glowing being next to little Carolyn and told them that I no longer want those gifts and I'm returning those now. I felt some energies leaving my body in real time during this.
The transfer was complete and “false help” no longer coming my way, so the guides told me that I was going to now return to my current time through the Wormhole. We could not totally change everything that little Carolyn was going to face but we could at least access the memory and stop the pattern right now, especially because right now I can handle the things that are going to be happening to me and I can choose who to support, comfort, and surround my life. We returned to my current time and reality as a 43-year-old woman. I felt my split merging a bit. I felt myself integrating my own energy. I sat on my yoga mat under the Arizona sun and felt my natural true self integrating into one being, timelines merging, and the split unifying. I immediately asked “Will there now be less pain in my life?” Yeshua and Mary told me "no, in fact it will be more pain. But the gift of pain is that it is real, not suppressed, not dumbed down or masked. In fact because pain is a teacher, you will not take that gift from anyone. They need their pain and now you can still stay protected in your unity consciousness while they experience their own pain."
I smiled knowing that something very deep at my core had shifted. My unifying was protecting me. I also smiled knowing my contract around the suppression of pain around me and escapism coexisted for the last time. The eruption had unearthed something so deep, it was now truly healing.
When I felt back into to the dream and to how I freely allowed my system to explore the perspectives of both worlds, both genocidal murderer and naïve victim, I was proud of myself. Wow good job, Carolyn. Accepting all your parts and all perspectives without judgement. If you're ready to face this in your dream you're ready to face your reality. The part of me that wanted to keep people from experiencing pain, in order to protect myself, is the same core nature of wanting to control the population having a global agenda. Something dissolved in me towards those who seek to control the world with their genocidal agendas. I was the sane, I wanted to heal the world whethr it wanted to or not. If I can find this quality in me, it's for sure outside of me in the collective. But the only place that I can change is inward. We have to heal ourselves. No one can do it for us. These 7 healers that have come to my aid recently were simply setting the stage for my work. They got the costumes, the players, the script, called the curtain, hit the lights and let the show begin. But it was my job to show up and see what I needed to see. They aren’t the audience. I’m the audience. It wasn't them seeing me, they were just getting me ready to see myself.
So I shifted, and immediately reality started shifting to give me a gift. The gift of pain. At the honeybee festival I've been learning from Shane the Bee Charmer, that bee venom therapy is a viable therapy for the immune system recovery of all sorts of ailment. I'd been wondering if it would be good for my recovery, but of course the thought of being stung by a bee was not pleasant. As soon as I opened my eyes from my meditation, I looked at my glass of water and there was a bee, dead in my water, with a stinger fully intact. She had come to offer herself as a gift to me. I needed to get the venom in and it would have to involve some pain.
I showed my friend the bee and explained what was happening and we agreed that I should inject the venom into my arm. I put the stinger in and wiggled it around until the reaction began. And there was pain, but it was sweet. Then venom moved through my arm and circulated in me. Here I am, of the melissa bee priestess line, working with the bees in spirit and in sessions, working with the hive mind consciousness and unity consciousness leading honey ceremonies And I was avoiding the pain of the sting. Wanting the sweet but not the pain. Wanting the honey and not the venomous medicine. After the stinger had released all the venom, another bee came and landed on the area, like a nurse landing to check on me. It examined the stinger and carried away what it could. Buzzing softly to give me the peaceful vibrational hum of its wings.
My arm swelled and I'm even itching it now while I remember this sacred gift. I have continued to watch the eruption on Mauna Loa saving every picture possible, obsessed with eruption, obsessed with lava, obsessed with the feminine beauty and explosions. I've cried continually the last few weeks as my own trauma has come up. I even felt the day before the eruption I was going to have some sort of a mental break down as I was working on birthing my new website for healers and intuitive's to give and receive from their unique gifts. My business coach facilitated quite the healing for me as she walked me through my mental breakdown.
Sharing my gifts with the world was going to rip me apart if I still carried the trauma split within me. It demanded that I uncover and heal this. It demanded that I be one authentic person, in one reality, with one voice. If I looked at how that split manifested, it would split me from being with those I love, it would split me from being able to focus, it would split me from being able to have body connection, it would split me from being able to be with one beloved partner. The split kept splitting as long as I loved it that way. The permission was now taken for the split to exist. Because life naturally flows into a healing state, I am now in the flow with this eruption flowing in my life, flowing and climbing all of that which stands in its way. There is no telling what will happen next. But I do know it's an experience that must be told in order for me to have my healing.
The forces of nature and spirit that brought the first Mauna Loa eruption since 1984, were also working on my healing and embodiment since that same time! The eruption of Kilauea on Sept, 29, 2021 coincided with a mushroom journey I was on down by Kalapana. While feeling the earth shaking under my feet and my consciousness upgrading its mycelial network with consciousness itself, Kilauea engorged with power. When the eruption of 2018 was occuring, I was living on the Big Island with my daughters. They announced they would no longer live in Hawaii after surviving multiple earthquakes and frankly terrifying events such as the false missile attack. The eruption moved my daughters to their father’s house in Washington, leaving me with a sudden empty nest and all the grief that it has brought. The empty nest became space. Space to fill with new experiences, expansion, and new connections for all of us. Now, Pele and I, coincide with each other's “coming out” eruptions. We burn hot with transformative fuel, fire from deep below, raw pure truth and reality, one life, one power, one truth. “I am” presence. In Hawaiian, “HEKA.” I am! May we all erupt with this knowledge!
And If you read this all the way through, you are a champion! I am in gratitude for your sacred witness with me. Thank you, and enjoy the show!
Photo by Sky Makai